Category: Dating and Relationships
Been a problem from the beginning. Have shared things with him no one else knows and he finds an opertunity every day to say the most hurtful things about very painful aspects of me my body my life my past. Continuously calls me fat stupid slut and more even made fun of me in public. Have tearfully and sincerely expressed my feelings of hurt humiliation and worthlessness to him several times and recieved appologies at first but hardly anything was done to improve his behavior. If there wasn't anything good about him I wouldn't be with him. He's very kind and does alot for me and on the occasions when he doesn't say mean things to me I love talking to him we do understand each other dealing with similar situations of our lives. I've always heard never to try and change a man and to accept him as he is. well I'm sorry but if there's one thing I wish i could change it would certainly be this i mean does this rule apply if its harmful to you? I appologize for going off like that. Here's two question I would really like some advice on. This guy claims not to like alot, that's what he said, alot of things about me. So since he doesn't like my hair, skin, weight, voice, race, clothes, brain, personality and probably whatever else he can complain about then why would he want to be with me?
The next question is from everything you've just read do you think its worth trying to save?
first, you need to love yourself...and no, from the sounds of things, you should get out as soon as you can.
it doesn't matter what you have in common; abuse is abuse, and it shouldn't be tolerated, no matter who it is or how much you love said person.
true love shouldn't hurt; that's all there is to it.
Hi. OK, seems like you kind of asked three questions here, so I'll try to address them. I'll also warn you in advance that some of the stuff I have to
say may sound harsh, but I only mean it in a constructive way.
1. Does the rule about not trying to change someone apply here? It most certainly does. I think it applies to all relationships in our lives, whether
they are with family, friends, or significant others. The hard truth is that we cannot change someone. They have to change, they have to want to change
themselves before they can. If someone does want to make changes for the better in their life, you can support them, listen to them, offer them advice
if they want it, and so on, but the bottom line is that you can't control what they do. You can only control your own actions. So, as much as you might
want to change this guy, or wish he would change, I'm sorry to say, you will not be able to. He has to want to change his own behavior, and from what you say, he does not wish to.
2. You asked, basically, if he disliked so much about you, why would he want to be with you? Often abusers do not want to be alone. They don't know how
to. Also, they need someone to put down to make them feel better about themselves. Yes, sounds cliche, but I truly believe it. Some abusers truly enjoy
the power they have over the other person. So, he knows he has power over you, and he very well may enjoy this fact. He may not want to be alone, thus
being with you. And if he has a low view of himself, knowing he can bash you, put you down, may make him feel better.
3. Is it worth trying to save? to put it bluntly, no, I don't think it is. There are very few people in the world who are truly evil. I don't think he
is. Even lousy people have some good qualities, and those good parts are what make you love them, and stay with them, even if you should not. I went through this in a relationship a few years ago. He did have some good qualities that
kept me hanging on, kept me thinking that he cared about me, when really, he treated me like crap. It took some incredibly nasty stuff for me to realize he didn't give a shit about me at all. But because of those good qualities, I got sucked in, and stayed there far, far longer than I should have. However, ultimately,
you have to decide. are the hurtful things he's doing worth the few good times? Do you really think he cares for you? I'm inclined to say he does not.
Do you really want to be with a person like this? He doesn't show any inclination to change, so no matter how much you express your feelings, I don't
think they are going to. My personal opinion is that you should get out, and quickly, but any choice you make is your own, and you only have yourself to anser to. Not this guy, not your family, your friends, etc. Only yourself.
To say that in short,
life is nothing but give and take.
If there's no love, there's no meaning of being with that partner, in my opinion.
Raaj.
Get out while you can. From personal experience it starts out as verbal and emotional and then it turns to physical. It only gets worse and the last thing you need is to get pregnant by this guy. *shutter*
yep. i agree with what has been said already. i was thinking the exact thing said by poster above. you do hear a lot of abusive relationships starting out with verbal and later ending in physical. and both aren't good. but you sure don't want the physical! If it has been since the beginning that he has done this. , sorry to say he never really has cared for you. if it has changed later in the relationship, i would still say he don't care for you, but maybe he did at first and now is looking for a way to get rid of you. but this don't sound like the case! . it sounds to me like you should get out quick, before he gets you down and it could get a lot worste. good luck. only you can decide how much your willing to deal with.
He continues to be in a relationship with you because you allow him to remain in a relationship with you. He treats you the way he treats you because you will let him get away with it. Personally, I don’t think anyone deserves to be in this kind of relationship.
If you have questions about how he is treating you, then perhaps that might be a sign that the relationship is not good for you. Unfortunately, some partners confuse love with violence and abuse. If this is the case with your partner, then there really is nothing you can do or say to make him change his ways. I would say that the best thing you could do is to get out of the relationship, but that is a choice that only you can make.
Had the experience before, and I should have left long before I did. My advice based on experience is break up & under no circumstances "remain just friends." Been there tried that you just end up with a revolving door outside your home in a go nowhere user relationship, like that '70's Stylistics song, "Break up to make up is all we do...". This person is toxic to your wellbeing and you should rid your life of him so you can have a chance to do other things with your life.
I agree with all of the above posts. The most important thing to always remember is that if you want anyone to love you you have to love yourself first. Understand that you are special because you are your own person, and no one has a right to put you down or mistreat you in any way shape or form. This is a situation where you shouldn't even think once. Just get out quickly before it gets worse.. and trust me.. from the way you describe things, it will.
It's said that in a relationship, the one with the most power is the one who cares the least. If he really cared about you, he wouldn't take such delight in hurting you, and while an abundance of caring might not make him love the physical atributes that he said he doesn't like, it would at least make him more tolllerable of them. To me, it doesn't sound as though he loves you. It sounds more as though he's secure in that he can get away with treating you like crap, and also that he's resentful of being with someone he doesn't love and is punishing you for his own lack of ability to move on. If he can put you down and blame you for everything, then he doesn't have to stop and look at himself. If there are no consequences for him treating you like crap, then in his eyes, why should he stop? It works for him.
Ok ai am going to be overly harsh here, but i dont know u and that is what some girls need. In my opinion, if u stick around for the abuse, and if u make excuses for him, u cant blame him for continuing. If u allow it to happen without consequences, then u deserve it to a point
I only half agree with you, Kayla. Yes, the victim in an abusive relationship does choose how much they allow. an abuser can only hold what power the other person allows them to hold, for however long the victim allows them to hold it. However, I won't go so far as to say that anyone deserves that kind of treatment. they do not. And though on the surface it seems like it should be easy to get away from such a relationship, it's not always that way. Abusers often employ fierce mental and emotional manipulation tactics to hold the other person there. It takes a lot of strength, and often some hard learning, before one can break away.
No one deserves abusive treatment, but the thing I have no patience for is the person who stays in an abusive relationship where children are involved. If someone chooses to let themselves be hurt, that's one thing, but allowing innocent children to be hurt is another entirely.
Here's where I have a problem with what you said. I think saying that the original poster deserves what is happening to her is only compounding the problem. Often abuse victims feel exactly that: that they deserve it. The only way to get out is by realizing that you actually deserve better than that, by building the self-respect that says you deserve better. so I don't see how taking the same mentality as her abuser does helps this any.
I do not know you ballerina princess, but I have walked in your shoes before, and hard to believe this I was the one who allowed the abusing to go on. Your situation brings a song to mind, Linkon parck, "I am about to brake!". Listen to it, then you will kow what I mean. Also please do not let it come to a physical altercation. From my passed it gets ugle and now one whens but the abuser. Also you lose friends who try to help you out of what they believe is a dangerous situation and for the most part there right. yes I understand you love him but is love or what seems love your life adventually. Well ponder what I said and I wish you well on your decision.
I kind of agree with Kayla because that's the only way she will learn. I've given so much advice to people who have been abused both mentally and physically, and they don't listen to our advice most of the time. They still end up with that person, or they break it offf, and go back to them. It's really the only way people like that learn , you know? It's really harsh, don't get me wrong, but what we're saying i don't think will matter. Like previous posters, you'll stay in it longer than you should, and realize when something really happens terribley, that that's when you should get out. It's just a "See it to believe it situation. I truely hope the best for you. i really hope you make the right decision. I don't know you, but no one deserves that. You deserve better.
Good luck.
I agree with dan and Kayla.
Honestly get out while you can before it's too late...
my appologies for the spelling mistakes, but ya good luck with your decition, I and others can give you so much advice but in the end its you who faces your demons at night.
First and foremost, I agree with what Alicia and others have said, the verbal and emotional abuse could become physical, in which case you need to contact a domestic violence shelter. They will keep you safe whilst you take the necessary steps to end the relationship. But even if it doesn't reach that point, I'm sorry, but it really doesn't sound like your relationship can be saved. From what you say, he is making no effort to improve his behavior, and that effort has to come from him. You can't change him. There may be some circumstances that make him act the way he does, but he and he alone has to deal with them, and apparently he's not dealing with them the right way.
Kayla, Dan, Kerry, I think it's a bit too early to be that harsh. She's out here asking for help, isn't she? If she were still putting up with the abuse a few months down the road, I'd almost completely agree with you. No one deserves to be abused, but after a certain point, the abused person does bring it on him/herself by staying in the relationship. I share Alicia's sentiments about situations involving children as well. There is always a way out; you just have to take the initiative to find it. Even in situations where a person's life has been threatened to make them stay, there are ways of getting out.
I agree that he could be staying with you because he doesn't want to be alone and because he can get away with abusing you. Prove him wrong. At this point, none of this is your fault. Get out as soon as you can (especially, as others have said, before you get pregnant), and if you feel threatened, call a shelter.
Good luck,
Becky
here is my help "hugs" agree call a shelter, do what I did not do before my previous relationship way back when about 4 ladies back. Please do not let it et to a physical level. Take it from me, its not funny when a butterfly knife is pulled on you. Advintually you strike back at the person who is hurting you, its called slashing out. So good luck, call the shelter if you feel you have the strignth, and you have my simpithy.
My advice for you is this.
GET! THE FUCK! OUT OF THERE! Get out while you still can. get out before it's to late. get out before it does become physical! Certain family members whom I shall not name have gone through this, so I know. Good luck with everything.
Leslie
sexysouthernlady would know what she is talking about. She married a guy only knowing him two weeks, and thats about how long it took heer to get pregnant with his child lol. He was really abusive, but maybe she deserved it.
Im not saying you should leave him like everybody else here. Maybe he does love you, but maybe there is more of a deep rooted problem that needs to be addressed. Maybe he was abused as a child or something and needs counseling. In this case, i think you should try to change him, and get to the bottom of why he acts this way towards you. Help him get past whatever his anger issues are. I think you should, however, let him know that you will not tolerate this behavior, and if he is not willing to try to change his behavior, and address the issues that cause him to be this way, then you should break up with him.
get out. and good luck.
He can change after she is away. It's not like she's married to him. He's just a boyfriend, so yes she allowing abusiveness will deserve it, because she doesn't have to. Eat to much you get sick. Do to many drugs you get adicted, and that is your fault. Take to much abuse you start to feel like you well deserve it, and you don't. Let him learn on the next person, because if it's not pointed out to him how will he? That love takes long time to be in. The start is only infatuation. He treates you good, so that you stay around. Sort of like paying you to kick you. It the pay worth it?
I definitely don't agree with Kayla about one thing. Under no cirumstances do I feel a woman deserves to be abused in any way. It's o easier to just up and leave an abusive partner than it is for a smoker to quit smoking. Oh I don't doubt some people can quit cold turkey and be fine and certainly some people can leave an abusiverelationship with ease but the longer you've been exposed to it the more difficult it is to break away.
I don't agree with anyone who says people deserve to be abused. with that outlook, is it any wonder women find it so fucking hard to leave? shouldn't it be about helping increase those women's self-esteem, rather than bringing them down even more?
I don't think she was saying women deserve to be abused. I think she means specially in this case if you don't stick up for yourself, and you are aware that it's not good, then if you stay around you deserve the treatment, because you know better, so either you like it, or you are deceiving yourself. No one deserves to be abused, but if you allow it, then you are deserving of it. She is not married, not living with him, so why deal with it? Leaving would be easy, just stop. Most women in marriages have children, money issues, property issues and such things keeping them their. Dependan is one sad thing that does it. Get some one else, or be alone for a while. It's better then abuse.
This thread is old. Any updates?
Anyway, for the group's betterment. I work with men who have been convicted for crimes involving the battering of women and/or children. I co-facilitate 3 groups weekly, each consisting of different men, and work with them on how to learn to be non-abusive.
Nobody deserves to be abused. Period. It doesn't matter if they stay in the relationship or not, nobody deserves to be treated like something less than a human being. That goes for strangers on the bus, your loved ones, and people you really fucking don't like.
That said, men who are verbally and physically abusive most often do it for a sense of control. When their boss treats them unfairly, when they feel inadequate as men, when they're stressed or worried, the easiest route is to take it out on someone else, and often the easiest target is the people who love them.
It's not an immediate punch-in-the-face. It works up to that point gradually. First it's smart, mean little comments. Then it's comments attacking someone's character - "You're stupid, you're no good at that" and physical body - "You're a slut, you're fat, you're ugly" - and slowly, it will escalate into physical actions. Standing over to intimidate, screaming, getting in her face, shoving her, slapping her, punching her.
If you are in a relationship where you feel unsafe - this goes for men as well as women, it goes for everyone - seek help. Tell your friends, tell an authority figure, find a local help line or a counseling center. Nobody deserves to be abused. Even if you think you do.
I agree with the last post. Nobody deserves to be abused under any circumstances, even if for whatever reason they stay in the relationship.
agreed chelsea. that story makes me fucking sick...omg, that's just horrible. noone should have to go through what bp did, and its sad, so sad.
Hope she's still alive / got out.
Easy enough to say they should get out but far too often there's no place for them to go. Organizations like NOW are too busy taking pot shots at normal guys to do anything serious about the cowards that beat women.
My thinking is they're either boys without fathers, or never were taught. I'd be more inclined to arm Miss M with a pair of steel-toed boots than a facilitator's chair where she's working - smack 'em around a little bit is probably the best thing for 'em.
One can never say the girl deserves what she's getting: likely as not, while she's being terrorized, her resources are being taken away as well.
Hope someone who knows her can get her out: women end up dead because of it if society isn't careful.
I love how people who have never been abused or have seen much abuse talk about it like they've lived it. Trust me, when you do that, it makes it very obvious. Just saying. Oh, and for all you folks who talk about abuse and how you wouldn't tolerate it and all that, go watch "Beauty And The Beast," (Yes the Disney movie), and think a bit. If the beast were a man, do you not think he'd be abusive, but who do we root for? The girl who can change him into a gentleman? Believe me, I've seen documentaries that ask young girls what they would say to Princess Bell, and they say "I'd tell her to stay with him because she can change him." That worries me a lot.
The last poster is absolutely right. Now as to who has and who hasn't been tainted / exposed to this stuff, some of us may not be as far afield of it as you may think.
I still say until we supply women with all the abilities to get out, we can say nothing of it really. If she fell down the steps on ice and broke her shoulder, all of us would jump to the task and help: warm blankets, calls to ambulance, you name it. People who are attacked by this are wounded victims, and, IMHO, need the same type of intervention.
Just my thoughts.
I've been abused, and I understand if you are married you must decide, and that decission is major, but it must be done. I also after this have had a girlfriend that was abusive, so if it is only someone you are ating you can talk it over, try to get it straight, but if not you must move on until that person decided to change.
I think with married couples, especially those who've been married a long time, it's harder to leave because you have so many good memories.
I want to say something else, I am not a Disney basher at all. I think we are exposed to abuse being OK in so many more ways than Disney. Music is a really good example. However, Beauty And The Beast was my first thought. I know I watched it over and over as a little girl, and this may seem crazy, but every guy I've liked pretty much had some kind of issue that I wanted to change. I'm by no means saying that just because I watched Beauty And The Beast I liked guys who had issues, but I think those kinds of messages are there. I mean, when a baby is born, we automatically begin to train him or her how to act, and I think as far as abuse goes, I'm sorry, but I think our culture has basically told us to deal with it. I know people's mouths don't say that, but we all know actions speak louder than words.
I disagree with the statement that those of us who're saying get out most likely haven't been abused. I was in a physically and verbally abusive relationship for 21 out of the 23 years I've been alive, by none other than the woman who birthed me.
at times, I had a low self esteem...but I ultimately realized I could/would overcome it if I truly wanted to do so.
hope that isn't veering too far off topic, but I felt I should add my two cents for whatever it's worth.
Even if you have been in an abusive relationship though every person and every situation is different.
And some people are emotionally stronger than others.
And it is rarely just about the abuse - often there is a remorse afterwards "I'll never do it again, I love you so much, I'm so sorry I hurt you," and the victim is placated, and because it is so hard to believe that someone would want to hurt you, it is so much easier to stay and hold out for the good times.
Plus most abusers break down their victims emotionally before they reach the physical abuse stage, so the victim thinks she has no alternative but to stay because nobody else would want her. And many abusers are not beyond making threats along the lines of "if you leave me I'll come after you" or "I'll get custody of the children because I'll tell them just how unstable you are." If you've been broken down systematically over the years then there's every chance you will believe that could happen. And the fact that two women per week are killed by their partner is evidence of the fact that there are some men who are perfectly capable of carrying out their threats.
We judge people by our own reactions when in truth it's far too simplistic to think like that. If it was that easy there wouldn't be so many people stuck in abusive relationships, and organisations such as women's aid wouldn't have to exist.
My first job after college was at a counseling center affiliated with the local abuse shelter. I say "abuse" because I knew a guy with physical limitations who was stalked & assaulted by a former girlfriend, so either a man or a woman can be a victim of abuse. But the risk to one's life/safety is greater once the victim leaves, that is why it can be so difficult to leave, particularly if that person has been threatened with loss of child custody or life should they leave. However, it is best especially if one doesn't have any kids to be actively searching for some alternatives if it is a live in relationship, and bolt when you find one that is best for you.
I'm afraid I'm not quite making the connection between abuse & "Beauty and the Beast". My daughter & I saw this musical at Disney in Orlando, and had a ton of fun. The beast actually was a handsome prince before his character defects...selfishness and stinginess...condemned him to the status of hideous beast. His unconditional love for another human being was supposed to break the curse, I see it as kind of spiritual, consideration of another human being breaks the cycle of being absorbed in self. IMO, that was the point of the play, not people tolerating the intolerable. He had to feel love for Belle just as she had to for him, not a one way path.
I wasn't saying leaving an abusive relationship would be easy, but definitely doable.
But this girl is not even dealing with any of this. Her situation is light, or so it seems by her writing, so let him know, and if he doesn't stop leave him alone.
Back to the Beauty and the Beast reference, I also don't make the connection. He wasn't even looking to be changed. My impression was that he was looking to love and to be loved. Belle didn't change him; she loved him, and he loved her in return, which changed his physical form back into a prince. I think that's the message Disney is putting across. Love is beautiful. It's like the Princess and the Frog story. She kisses the frog; he turns into a handsome prince. It's just saying that true love takes a beautiful form. It's not saying, "Hey girls, you should probably stay with terrible and abusive men hoping you can change them." Just my thoughts.
I don't get the beauty and the beast connection, either. if anything, disney was trying to portray the importance of loving people for who they are.
As has been said, get out, sooner rather than later. It probably won't be easy but if you are still in this relationship, then you are allowing the abuse to go on. The best thing you can do is to do something about it and get out of that situation. The worst thing you can do is to continue being around this person. I was in an abusive relationship years ago and trust me, you can't make it better. You can't fix them. The only constructive thing you can do is bail. Simple as that. By leaving, you are having the final say on the matter by taking things into your own hands to better yourself. Noone deserves to be abused, verbally or physicly, but it takes two to tango. I'm not trying to sound like a hard ass here, but, it is how it is. By letting it continue, you are personally responsible, to a certain extent, even though he is the one causing the problem. You have free will, so, exercise it! Good luck.
I prefer the original Bayard Taylor Beauty and the Beast which was a Russian tale with drunks, wild sport and all sorts of other medieval stuff not sugarcoated over by Tales of Canterbury and the like.
Hope you got the fuck outa there! He sounds like a right bastard.
did you ever get councilling for all the emotional abuse you took? i ask this because that is very very important in recovering and moving on.
Not all people need counciling to move on. I personally know people whose counciling sessions only made things worse. I'm sorry, butsome councilers give you just enough advice so you'll keep coming back for more so they can, wait for it, make more money from you. yes, I said that, but sometimes it's true. I'm not saying all councilers are like that. I'm sure many people want to help, and I'm not saying don't seek support, but your counciler should be working on helping you cope without them. this is the difference between counciling and support.
I agree completely with Jessica. in most cases, counseling will only make things worse. if you truly need support, I'd advise going to a friend/other person who knows you well.